Avast Maty!
by Assthorn
Summary: Warning! Self insertion Mary-Sue! A couple girls get kidnapped by pirates, blah, blah, blah. Rating might change in future.
1. Dear, Jonny Depp

Disclaimer: Roses are red, violets are blue. I no own, so you no sue! Disclaimer's Disclaimer: I didn't even make up the disclaimer, I read it on someone else's fic.  
  
Dear, Jonny Dept;  
I really like your movies; I think you're a wonderful actor. However, my adoration of your movies leads to some problems:  
I like your movies so I go see them, which costs money but I can't get a job because I'm too busy watching your movies and since I can't get a job I don't have money to spend on watching even more of your movies than I do.  
You see, this presents quite a problem!  
And this is where you come in. See, you have money from your movie successes (that were aided immensely by my patronage). I don't have money for your movies. so. could you find it in your heart to give me some money?  
Yours Truly- Michaela  
***  
Dear, Michaela;  
Thank you for your loyalty to me and my movies. I've decided that I can find it in my heart to give you money.  
Cheers, Jonny  
  
***  
"Hello?"  
"Oh, my, God! Caroline, guess what?"  
"What?" Caroline asked groggily. She'd been taking a nice afternoon nap before Michaela's phone call had rudely awakened her.  
"Jonny Dept gave me money!"  
"What?!" Caroline demanded, more awake now.  
"I wrote him and asked him to send me money and he did!"  
"How much?"  
"Hold on." Caroline some rustling. "Ten dollars!" Michaela said triumphantly. "Wait, that's all? That sucks! Cheap bastard."  
"Cheap hot bastard." Caroline agreed. "So what are you going to do with it?"  
"I don't know, what should I do with it?"  
Caroline paused for a second, thinking. "Buy a lottery ticket."  
"Why?"  
"Why not?"  
"Good point. Ok, I'll do that."  
***  
"Caroline!"  
"What?" Caroline asked, holding the phone away from her ear. "Quit shouting."  
"I won!"  
"Won what?"  
"The lottery!"  
Caroline froze, then very slowly said "Are you serious?"  
"I'm a millionaire!"  
"Score!" Caroline shouted. "Let's go on a cruise and hire a manservant! After all, you wouldn't of won the money if I hadn't told you to buy the ticket."  
"I've already got the servant. His name is Bill."  
"Like the pony?"  
"Precisely."  
"Cool."  
"So where d'ya wanna go for the cruise?" Michaela asked, enjoying the breeze that Bill the manservant caused by waving a big fan in her direction.  
"The Caribbean, in honor of Jonny Dept and the Pirates of the Caribbean that enabled you to win."  
"Good idea Caroline. Oh! I should write him another letter to tell him that he's not alone in his millionairedom. Maybe now he'll marry me."  
"Maybe." Caroline answered.  
***  
The rays of the sun were beating down on the luxury cruise ship. Caroline and Michaela laid lazily in reclining deck chairs, taking in the poolside scene.  
"Look at that guy," Caroline murmured. "He thinks he's hot, but he isn't!" She giggled.  
"My God, some people should not be allowed to wear Speedos." Michaela said, hardly able to keep her eyes off of the would-be stud-muffin.  
"Hey, what's that?" Caroline asked, tipping her head so she could see past the enormous brim of her sun had. Caroline got sunburned easily, so in addition to the ridiculously huge had she also wore a full length sarong and a lacy shirt over her bathing suit. Michaela on the other hand was only wearing a scarf tied haphazardly about her waist, flip flops, and a pair of sunglasses to compliment her two piece bathing suit.  
"I dunno," She said. "Looks like a ship."  
"With sails?" Caroline frowned. "In the middle of the ocean?"  
Michaela shrugged. "Oh! Check it out- it's sails are black, like-"  
"The Black Pearl," They said together.  
"Are those cannons?" Caroline asked, squinting. "Wow, it's pretty fast for a sailboat." Indeed it was. The billowing black sails were catching up quickly with the lumbering cruise ship.  
As it drew abreast Michaela and Caroline could see clearly that yes, the ship had cannons. That, however wasn't the most surprising thing.  
Flying from the top of the flagpole was a flag featuring the scull and crossbones one would expect to see on a pirate ship.  
There were also a lot of dirty looking guys running around on the deck of the ship.  
Then one guy, who wasn't quite as dirty as the rest of them, stood on the side and started talking, projecting his uneducated voice so that it could be heard by all.  
"I am the infamous Captain Jack Sparrow. If you give us your valuables you shan't be hurt. Much."  
"Jack Sparrow?" Michaela squeaked, eyes wide. "I wonder if he'll give me his autograph."  
Caroline rolled her eyes. "He probably can't write. Wow, and I thought we were obsessed with the movie! Look at these freak-shows!"  
"Hello, people! We're dread pirates! You should take us seriously. Alrighty, boys, let's go!"  
Then the dirty pirate guys were swinging onto the cruise ship on ropes.  
Cue the security guards. They showed up on deck, shiny guns in hand.  
Jack cursed, then seeing Caroline and Michaela nearby he to motioned a couple of his flea-bitten buddies. Rather suddenly the two girls found themselves with knives to their throats.  
"Oh, my God," Michaela whispered.  
"Come along now, it's time for us to be leaving. Don't shoot me, or the lass's die!" Jack said and swung back onto the Pearl.  
The pirates, holding tightly onto Caroline and Michaela, did likewise.  
"Aren't you going to let us go now?" Caroline demanded, crossing her arms.  
"Why would I want to do that? Listen, love, you can make a mit on a ship such as this."  
"What? Are you saying. I'm not a hooker!"  
"Oh," Jack said. "What a shame. Ever thought of becomin' one?"  
"No!" Caroline exclaimed, then glanced over at her silent friend. "Mik," She elbowed her. "You're drooling."  
"I was wonderin' what was wrong with her." Jack said.  
"Oh, don't mind her, she's a little slow- ow!"  
Michaela smacked Caroline. "Shut up!"  
"Careful, Mik, your eyes might fall out."  
"Careful, Caro, your brain might fall out."  
"Careful both of ye, or I'll cut your tongues out. You two are worse than a flock of seagulls." A grumpy pirate growled.  
"Sorry." We both muttered.  
"Now, what do I do with you?" Jack asked, eyes slowly moving up and down the girls bodies.  
"Bring us back?"  
"Sorry, love. I don't fancy getting my head blown off-"  
One of the pirates called for the captain, saying a long string of technical boat terms that the girls didn't understand.  
"Damn imbeciles. I'll be seeing you two. Hey, Will! Take care of the wenches!" He shouted at a young man. He was clean and well kept, which gave the girls a glimmer of hope that they wouldn't be ravished. At least not just yet.  
"You've started kidnapping people?" Will asked, surveying us.  
"I couldn't help it." Jack whined. Then he wiggled his fingers at us. "Bye, bye loves. I'll see to you two later." He winked and swaggered off.  
Will shook his head. "Come on, we'd better put you away somewhere where the men won't see you. He could have at least kidnapped someone who was dressed."  
We followed him down a hallway and into a room it was obviously lived in by someone, but it was pretty tidy. Will noticed as I gazed at a stack of letters in one corner of the desk.  
"Yes, this is my room but there's no where else to put you, unless you want to stay with Jack."  
Michaela opened her mouth to say that she would in fact [refer to stay with him but Caroline clapped her hand over her face, preventing anything except muffled syllables to escape.  
"That should be fine." Caroline said while Michaela glared at her.  
Will eyed them both curiously then shrugged and went to leave. "We'll figure out permanent arrangements later. I'm also locking the door, for your own safety." He nodded and left.  
"What'd you do that for?" Michaela demanded.  
"You want to sleep with Jack?"  
"Well, he is pretty hot."  
"But he has fleas. Fleas aren't hot."  
"His are."  
Caroline shook her head. "Do you suppose Elizabeth knows she's marrying a gay guy? I mean, look at this place, it's spotless!"  
"Yeah, too bad for you, Caroline." Michaela teased.  
"Hey, at least he seems to practice personal hygiene."  
"Personal hygiene is overated."  
"No it's not!"  
"Yeah," Michaela agreed reluctantly. "I guess it is pretty important."  
"Uck, the deck could use some hygiene. I wish I'd had sandals on, my feet probably have aids now." Caroline scrunched her bare toes.  
"Ha, ha."  
"Hey, at least I'm not walking around on a ship full of flea- infested, sexually frustrated and horny pirates in a bikini."  
"Shut up." Michaela said. "Give me your shirt."  
"No Way! I don't want to get molested. They're all dirty and toothless."  
"Meany."  
"Hey, you're the one who wants to get molested by a bunch of toothless pirates!"  
"No I don't!" Michaela argued. "Only one toothless pirate."  
Caroling rolled her eyes. "What are we suppose to do now?"  
"I don't know. And I miss Bill."  
"You only had him for a couple of days."  
"I know, but he was so useful."  
"Hmm." Caroline said.  
They sat around in the cabin for the rest of the day, amusing themselves by reading Will's mail and going through his things.  
Then, when the girls could see the sun setting through the porthole the door banged open.  
  
A/N: so, good, bad? Let me know please. Also if anyone feels like giving me plot ideas that'd be nice because I'm not sure where this is going. 


	2. You're on my side!

Avast Maty!  
  
Disclaimer: It ain't mine. So there. Although Will is! *sigh* "You're still here?" Will said as Caroline scrambled to restack his letters.  
"Of course we are." Michaela answered. "You locked the door."  
"Oh," He said. "Right. What are you doing?" He turned to face Caroline, who had gotten the stack piled neatly.  
"Uh, nothing."  
"You can't even read. can you?" He asked dubiously.  
"Of course we can read. Geeze, you know what you need around here?" Michaela said, eyeing Caroline maliciously. "A girl. I'm sure Caroline-"  
"Shut up!" Caroline lunged at her so called "Friend" and they both fell into a heap on the bed.  
"I sincerely hope I'm not interrupting anything." A new voice said.  
Michaela looked up and squeaked. Jack had joined Will at the doorway. She squirmed out from under Caroline. "No, I was just saying uh."  
"How hot you are." Caroling provided while Michaela glared. She rushed on before Michaela could stop her. "My friend here thinks you're very attractive."  
"Is that so?" Jack asked Michaela. Or rather, Michaela's chest. He couldn't seem to peel his eyes off of her boobs.  
Michaela, who was now as red as a beet grabed a blanket and wrapped it around herself.  
Will cringed as sheets and pillows went askew, ruining the previously perfectly made bed. Then he cleared his throat. "Uh, what are we going to do with them, Jack. Uh, Jack?" He elbowed the captain.  
"Huh? Oh. How about we each take one. I'll have the short, simple one- "  
"Who are you calling simple?" Michaela demanded, glaring up from her meager height of a few inches over five feet.  
"You, obviously." Caroline said.  
"I'm not simple!"  
"Jack, shouldn't we ask for their opinion?" Will asked.  
"That's Captain Jack to you. You, love, can call me anything ya like." He winked at Michaela.  
"Will rolled his eyes. "Shouldn't we ask their opinion, *Captain* Jack?"  
"Alright, loves. Which would you rather, sleep with us, or with the rest of the crew?"  
  
***  
  
"You're on my side."  
"Am no. you're on my side."  
"The whole bed is my side."  
"Is not."  
"Is too."  
"Is not."  
"Is too."  
"I have an idea. You go sleep on the floor an I'll keep the bed for myself."  
"Why should I abandon my bed so a gangly little stow-away can sprawl?"  
"I'm not a stow-away, I'm a kidnapee."  
"Caroline?"  
"Yes, Will?"  
"Go to sleep."  
"But you're on my side!"  
  
~*~*~ MEANWHILE ~*~*~  
  
"Come on back, love."  
"No, not 'till you promise."  
Jack sighed audibly. "Fine. I promise I won't grope you."  
Michaela looked at him severely.  
He sighed again. "Or pinch, or kiss, or lick, or fondle or touch or nibble or tickle or peck or hug or molest or 'administer' or transmit AIDS. Happy?"  
"Fine." Michaela muttered and climbed back under the covers beside Jack, where she immediately slapping him across the face.  
"What? You never said anything about stroking!"  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE- Thanks for my lovely reviews (all three of you!) If you guys hadn't of sucked up to me I probably wouldn't of bothered continuing the story. Bimboobee: Which weird books, dare I ask? Herminone-amy: Oh well, plot is over-rated anyways :P MadamStella: Too bad, Will is mine! BWA HAHAHA! Anyways, thanks ever so for your review! There's nothing like inflating the ego to get a writer to update! Oh, and if you _really_ like my writing and you live in Alberta tune into cbc radio between noon and one. one of my stories is gonna be aired cuz I won a contest. Anyways, happy reading! 


	3. I want clothes, nice ones!

Avast Maty!  
  
Disclaimer: Do I really have to go through this again? All I own is half of Will's stuff!  
  
Caroline and Michaela lounged on the prow of the ship, extanging yawns and feeling the sea breeze on their faces.  
  
"What are you complaining about?" Michaela glared at Caroline. "At least you didn't get molested."  
  
"I know!" She said sadly. "But Will is the biggest blanket hog. Besides, you wanted to be molested." Caroline sighed and sat down, leaning her head against the railing.  
  
"Yeah, but still."  
  
"Sit down, so I don't have to kill my neck looking up at you." Caroline said, shading her eyes.  
  
"Now who's short?" Michaela cackled.  
  
"You are, now sit." Caroline tugged on Michaela's hand.  
  
"I can't."  
  
"Why not? Having a bit too much fun last night?" Caroline wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. Or at least tried to, Caroline isn't very good at wiggling her eyebrows.  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"Then sit down!"  
  
Michaela mumbled something and remained standing.  
  
"Come again?"  
  
"He pinched me. A lot, all right?"  
  
"On the butt?" Now it was Caroline's turn to cackle gleefully.  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Hee, hee, hee."  
  
"Land ho!" A rough pirate voice crackled from the crow's-nest.  
  
Captain Jack came swaggering out of his cabin and raised a telescope to his eye. He looked around for a while, then folded it back up and put it in his belt. Then his gaze landed on Caroline and Michaela.  
  
"Hey!" He said, coming towards them. "That's my blanket!"  
  
Michaela shrugged, the rough cloth around her shoulders. "I didn't steal it, I commandeered it."  
  
Jack blinked at her for a few minutes.  
  
"I want cloths." Michaela said decisively. She'd figured out exactly what she was going to say about the topic during the long, sleepless night. "Nice ones. Wherever we're going I'm sure you're going to pillage it, and while you're doing that get me some clothes. Nice ones."  
  
"Me too," Echoed Caroline. "I'm cold. And I want shoes, too. Nice ones."  
  
"Does Will know you've 'commandeered' his blanket too?" Jack wanted to know.  
  
"No," Caroline said. "He'd probably have a fit if he did."  
  
"How can you be cold?" Michaela demanded. "I only took the blanket to cover myself, and I'm swealtering."  
  
"Well, I'm too skinny to stay warm." Caroline said defensivly, then looked back at Jack. "I want clothes, nice ones. And don't forget the shoes. Or boots rather, I want boots. Like yours, those are cool."  
  
Jack looked down at his feet, studying his very cool leather pirate- boots when something thudded onto the deck behind him. He turned to look as the girls peeked around him. Standing there in a lovely royal blue dress was a very beautiful young woman with blond hair and blue eyes.  
  
"Who're you?" Jack demanded.  
  
"I-I'm Marie-Sù." 


	4. Does this make my butt look big?

Avast Maty!  
  
~Wow, guys, two chapters in one day, don't you feel privileged? Well, actually I had these written a looooong time ago, I just haven't gotten around to typing them yet ^^;;;; anyways, yeah. The last chappie was really short anyways, and this one is pretty short too. And just because I did two chapters at once doesn't mean you can only review one of them!  
  
Disclaimer: Bite me.  
  
The three girls Caroline, Michaela and Marie-sù sat in the gally picking at hard bread and ale.  
  
"So where did you come from, Marie?" Michaela asked, chewing on a stubborn bit of crust.  
  
"I have a very tragic backround. My father abandoned my mother who was an alcoholic and she used to-"  
  
"That's lovely." Caroline said impatiently. "I have a sad backround too. My friend became a millionaire but before I could start living off of her like a leech we were kidnapped by pirates."  
  
"Yes," Michaela agreed sorrowfully. "And I had a manservant named Bill."  
  
"Yes, but all these horrific experiences only serve to make us stronger." Marie-Sù said.  
  
Caroline and Michaela looked at each other. "Uh, no it doesn't. Now we're just whiners who don't get any sleep because we have to share our beds with pirates."  
  
Suddenly Marie-Sù's eyes filled with tears.  
  
"What?" Caroline asked.  
  
"I.I used to have to do. things, after my mother got ran over by a carriage. I needed to support my twenty-six brothers and sisters. Then one man hurt me and I haven't trusted men ever since. Maybe someday someone will come and help me to love again." Marie-Sù said, gazing at Will and/or Jack from across the cabin. "Someone brave and good-looking, but sensitive- "  
  
She was cut off as a resounding belch issued itself from Jack.  
  
Caroline and Michaela laughed.  
  
"Well, then, scoundrels, let's go to town, shall we? We shan't plunder- yet. Oh, and you three." He beckoned to the girls.  
  
They got up and went to him. He dropped a gold coin into eacho f their hands. Caroline bit one, then drew away wincing.  
  
Jack gave her a funny look.  
  
"I wanted to see if it was real." Caroline explained. "Isn't that what you do?"  
  
Jack's only answer was to shake his head despairingly. "I know how picky you wenches are about clothes so go buy some. Will'll accompany ya, make sure you don't run off."  
  
Will, who was standing nearby, looked like he would rather shoot himself then take the three giggling girls shopping.  
  
Maybe he wasn't gay after all.  
  
***  
  
"No!" Michaela said firmly. "I am not wearing a corset."  
  
Caroline snickered at her and jumped around in a pretty red gown. "So Will, this one or the crimson one?"  
  
"They both look the same." He said mournfully.  
  
"Tell me," Michaela said, twisting in front of the mirror. "Does this make my butt look big?"  
  
All the blood drained from Will's face at the prospect of answering such a question.  
  
Caroline laughed, then leaned close to whispering in Will's ear. "I'll make a deal with you. Leave now, and we'll come back on our own before Jack starts pillaging."  
  
"How do I know you won't run away?"  
  
"We promise," Michaela said, having come over. Marie-Sù was missing this little conference because she was having trouble in the dressing room. "Scouts honor."  
  
"You're not a scout." Caroline said.  
  
Michaela scowled. "It's an expression. Come on, Will, or I'll make you answer The Question."  
  
"Fine, fine." He said quickly. "But you'll have to be back in ten minutes anyway. Three o'clock is pillaging time."  
  
Caroline and Michaela nodded gravely.  
  
Will immediately made his escape. As soon as he was out of sight Caroline and Michaela paid for their dresses and left.  
  
Back on board the Black Pearl they were sailing full speed away from the town when Jack sauntered over, a bunch of pearls around his neck. Caroline and Michaela laughed at his. dainty appearance.  
  
"Hey," Jack said, looking around. "What happened to Marie-Sù?"  
  
"Uh," Michaela said. "She, uh, left." Her eyes darted suspiciously from side to side. "When, uh, Will was busy helping me choose which shoes matched my belt."  
  
"You're not wearing a belt, moron." Caroline whispered to Michaela.  
  
"Shut up!" Michaela hissed.  
  
Jack sighed in disappointment. "And she was pretty, too!" 


End file.
